Curveball.

Listening to: Soon This Space Will Be Too Small (Lhasa De Sela)

Pondering: 18months now seems too long to wait to be the next Holly Golightly.

When I was very young, in a short space of time, both of my grandmothers died, I found out my sisters were in actual fact half sisters, and I had siblings I'd never even known about. And Santa wasn't real. It was on heck of a rough time. In times like these, Dad would say "Don't worry, you'll be ok, God never gives us more than he thinks we can handle".

When I was a little less younger, I was convinced that I couldn't be too happy, or I'd draw attention to myself and karmic forces would ensure somthing really bad happened to balance it all out. Mum said, "Just be a good person, and good things will happen for you. What goes around comes around."

As I left my teens I decided to live by "expect the unexpected" (i.e. plan for any and every eventuality) and "go with the flow" if the unexpected unexpected ever came up, and this was my guaranteed plan for how to "stay on the ball".

But when "bad things come in threes" and you have to persuade yourself that "whatever doesn't kill you, only makes you stronger" until those "good things waiting around the corner" come around the corner- doesn't it seem like sometimes the Big Guy upstairs is really trying to run you into the ground? 

As Pat Benatar sang, "come on and hit me with your best shot"

 

2 Sides of the same coin- both taken in the same place,
on the same day- now you just can't see the beach for the storm

Tonight I Can Write...

Currently Listening To: If  You Had My Love (Jennifer Lopez, before she became J-Lo) // No Scrubs (TLC)

Currently Pondering: *Head nod* Those ladies had it right. And awesome outfits. IS THAT WELSH ON MY SPOTIFY??

Another long one folks! And a bit odd. I'm having an odd week, and I'm not quite sure what to think of it myself. But we have Neruda, and his poetry is awesome, so there's a plus at the very least.

Strange things are happening in the world lately...there's either something in the air or water, or perhaps there's a full moon (there isn't. And even if there was apparently lunar madness is a myth) but either way, something curious is happening. Odd things are happening, people are acting odd- even I'm feeling a little nuts. I'm getting really antsy, feeling a little out of place everywhere I go, I'm over-analysing nearly EVERYTHING that's being said to me, and I'm pretty sure my bitchier/more wreckless alter ego is trying to bust her way through. She typically only comes out when I'm a combination of drunk and pissed off, and leads me down the path of vodka shots (I frickin' hate vodka shots), drunken texting and lewd behaviour. Only now she's not so much drunk, just, pissy and looking for someone to pick on. The bitch.

Anyway, "stuff" has triggered me to go for a walk down memory lane, taking a left-turn onto "Past-Relationships Drive" and here I am sitting at the doorstep of the "International House of Fuck-Ups". I'm thinking: men are really screwy. I attract weird things and events. I'm not trying to say my entire love-life and persons therein have been terrible, but there are definitely some points I'd rather forget, or time-travel back to and undo. What is it they say? It only takes one negative thing to cancel out FOUR positive things? That's horrible. Yuck.

In my weekly stumblings however, I found this little gem:

"The best part of being in love is when you just love a person, and be happy about it. Even if that person can never be yours, even if you know it can't last forever. That's the true essence of love. It's not about winning someone, it's not about owning a relationship. It's just about being happy because you know you've loved someone. It's about being happy because you know you've loved someone."

-Source: Allenstar

This is probably the most succinct way of summing up my thoughts during a break-up. And I didn't even come up with it. Rats. Asides from thinking "oh you complete knob. You are such a knob" during a break-up, I do honestly try to think of all the things I've learned/learned never to do again in future relationships (so far the list is pretty long). I think the most resilient teaching was "how to put your defences up and keep them there", a message hammered home by seeing women in my family being messed around and then personal experience from relationships C and E. Maybe a little bit of G too. But it was somewhere between D and G that I figured there's no point in letting the horrible memories corrupt all the good ones. And sometimes it's ok to put your guard down. Now I think I've gotten the hang of looking at the bad, leaving it there, and going on to enjoy the good memories as if I'm living them all over again. C'mon, good first dates are still good first dates, and a good first kiss is still a good first kiss. 

Let's look at the beautiful words of Pablo Neruda now, the man knows how to write a good heartache:

Tonight I can write the saddest lines.

Write, for example, 'The night is starry and the stars are blue and shiver in the distance.'

The night wind revolves in the sky and sings.

Tonight I can write the saddest lines.
I loved her, and sometimes she loved me too.

Through nights like this one I held her in my arms.
I kissed her again and again under the endless sky.

She loved me, sometimes I loved her too.
How could one not have loved her great still eyes.

Tonight I can write the saddest lines.
To think that I do not have her. To feel that I have lost her.

To hear the immense night, still more immense without her.
And the verse falls to the soul like dew to the pasture.

What does it matter that my love could not keep her.
The night is starry and she is not with me.

This is all. In the distance someone is singing. In the distance.
My soul is not satisfied that it has lost her.

My sight tries to find her as though to bring her closer.
My heart looks for her, and she is not with me.

The same night whitening the same trees.
We, of that time, are no longer the same.

I no longer love her, that's certain, but how I loved her.
My voice tried to find the wind to touch her hearing.

Another's. She will be another's. As she was before my kisses.
Her voice, her bright body. Her infinite eyes.

I no longer love her, that's certain, but maybe I love her.
Love is so short, forgetting is so long.

Because through nights like this one I held her in my arms
my soul is not satisfied that it has lost her.

Though this be the last pain that she makes me suffer
and these the last verses that I write for her.

It's a killer to read if you're even the slightest bit not happy with some sort of relationship. Or breaking up with someone. Sorry for any anguish caused, I really should've put a foreword in there or something.

As I did with Wuthering Heights, I shall do here, I'm going to pick up on the really minute undertones, and proceed to love and adore them.
"Tonight I can write the saddest lines.
I loved her, and sometimes she loved me too."      This makes me think "500 Days of Summer". Haven't seen it? Sort that out. It makes me think about the times when you look at the other person and just begin to wonder "I'm not so sure anymore.." Either you've begun to notice the flaws you didn't before or you're feeling the tremors of impending doom. *Spoiler Alert* In the movie, you re-watch scenes which the boy saw as normal, enjoyable dates, but it's only when you get the slightest hint that the girl is getting "cold feet" and the same scenes look so different. It's so sad, but I think I can slightly sympathise with "No, this doesn't feel right, I see trouble on the horizon" and the best thing to do is to break than continue proverbially flogging the dead donkey. I was called a bitch (thanks, Alex) when I said I was happy the two of them ended up doing different things at the end of the movie. I'm sorry, but as lovely and Hollywood-friendly as it would've been, I appreciate just ONE love story where everything doesn't have to end up as planned- but is even better. My mother has always told me the problem with my exes is not the issues of "maturity" or "chronic dick-headedness" but its that we couldn't *handle* each other. Her theory is that you don't just move around each other, but you move each other. Like a Tango. Or a stream, flowing around and over big rocks, but picking up shells and sand. How calming, mother. She maintains that I should only marry a Chinese zodiac that can "tame a snake". Dig that innuendo. For clarity, I was born in the year of the snake and Mum's really supersticious. And she thinks I can be a bit too "willful" (read: domineering cow) Agreed. Anyway, that's what I think was the problem with the above relationship. The two obviously got on, but after the honeymoon period, she must have felt like the chemistry was replaced with convenience, and with no "good reason" like a fight or infidelity to break-up over, the relationship was just kind of plodding on. Then she tells him she wanted to shoot him in the head. Hahaha.

"Another's. She will be another's. As she was before my kisses.
Her voice, her bright body. Her infinite eyes."      My biggest relationship vice? I'm hugely jealous/ protective. But getting better at it, I've figured out how to just let things go, and now laugh when I would've sulked, pouted and gotten all irate. I have more fun when I'm not wasting time being annoyed and not changing anything. Sounds like this woman had really beautiful eyes though doesn't it? He keeps mentioning them...

I know that this poem conveys a huge sense of him having a really tough time getting over a past love, but I do see just the tiniest glimmer of hope in the last lines: "...my soul is not satisfied that it has lost her./ Though this be the last pain that she makes me suffer / and these the last verses that I write for her."
Almost sounds like he's saying he's ready to just leave things alone now, leaving them in this poem, and moving on from it. Closure. I like it. But then you might read something completely differently from all that. I'll just err on the side of optimism.

Damn I love Neruda.

So there you have it. This is what happens when the planets align just right, and I start thinking "Girls are from Venus, men are from...where the hell are you coming from!?"

For anyone feeling cynical about love,
be assured you could buy it with change from a fiver

Poor tumour-bear! I still don't have the heart to eat him,
he looks sad enough without knowing the end is nigh..

I'll be back to normal next week. I might even have a sparkly new phone to show off! Happy face.

Gone fishin'

I have an exam tomorrow, so no lengthy/particularly inspiring blog post today, sorry! But I will spend 5-10mins rounding up all the things that have been distracting me and keeping me entertained, enjoy!

1. Easy A: recently watched it, and really enjoyed it! Awesome film, if you're ever in need of an easy-to-watch, coming-of-age flick, I highly recommend this one. Youtube yourself the scene where Emma Stone is singing along to "Pocketful of Sunshine. That's how I'm feeling right now.

2. www.tattoologist.com : I've been hankering after a tattoo for ages, but being the person I am, I can't settle on an idea for long enough to get it inked on. In the mean time, this site has a really good collection of tats, and makes for really good browsing. If you're into that kind of thing. 

3. Polaroids: Why haven't Polaroid followed through on their press release stating that they'd be systematically bringing back old films?! I got a one600 camera years ago, for the bargain price of £29/£49 (I can't remember how much, I've had several polaroid cameras over the years, including the I-zone, a barbie one and now this one. It's hard to keep track of cost) and now apparently my little classic is worth £100+! Cool! Nothing makes you feel older than watching a belonging increase in value over the years. Anyway, I'm not planning on selling, I just want to be able to USE it. Head over to The Impossible Project if you want some remade film, or just to look in despair when you realise it's already sold out. Sad clown.

4. Mad hands

5. You know I said ages ago I lurve "Home- Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeros"? Yeh, guitar-accompany, Daddy-and-Me rendition! Regardez-vous here

6. You like "True Blood"? You'll love this. Errbody loves the D-o- double g

That's your lot for now. I'll be posting something more interesting in a future blog post, there's crazy amounts of drama providing material for "things I need to blog about" list. Oh that reminds me, if you haven't already, youtube the "Gap Yah" video. Gogogo!

I think it's pretty obvious, but I didn't take
this shot.  The other two are mine though.

And the daddy-long-legs becomes less gross, more inneresting

Whipping Up a Storm

Currently listening to:  Gonna Get Along Without You Now/ Thieves (She & Him)
Currently pondering: I don't want to give up home cooking for revision...

Last week I said that the diet would start, and over-consumption and mid-week drinking would be banned. But I know now that was never meant to happen, universal signs have shown me that that is not the way; 'Tis not the season to be fretting about Christmas weight. Next week, back at Uni, back to bellydance, and I'll get my butt in gear. Yus. In the spirit of not worrying about caloric castigation, I've been revelling in the freedom of a well-stocked kitchen and the shiny newness of my Christmas goodies! I got A LOT of baking-related gifts, retro measuring cup, colourful silicone cases, cook books- the works. And in a happy twist of fate, the boy also got a lot of groovy cooking related gifts! It only made sense that we spent a couple of evenings cooking and playing house (I love playing house, I loved play-pretend as a child and I still do now). I also love seemingly unnecessary kitchen gadgets, like a simultaneous apple corer AND slicer. Apples taste so much tastier when cored and cut into slices. True. Story.

The recipes we tried were SO good, that not only did they make my skirt fly up (I've been waiting to say that for ages) but I'd also recommend them to others. Do it. Find new depths of happiness with relatively little fat-laden guilt. 

First things first however: excuse the shoddy photography, it's hard to cook and photograph with only one  pair of hands. My second pair was preoccupied with Assassin's Creed. Men. Pssshh.

1. Chicken Mojo (Levi Roots: "Food for Friends")

Alex's recipe. He has an inclination towards spicy and slightly exotic food, so this present should encourage him to be more adventurous in the kitchen. Should. But men are men, ultimately this genetic subscript dictates that the easiest/quickest solution will be taken when the hunger pangs kick in.

 First plus point: Simple store cupboard

ingredients. The ginger beer isn't
needed though, that was for my own refreshment...

Before

Gift 2: Awesome Kenwood mixer/blender/chopper/blitzer. I don't ever want to fine chop vegetables ever again. Mr. Ken Wood is now chief veggie chopper, thank you.

2 Button presses later..

 Look. Look at how colourful and beautiful that looks. It
smelt even better.

Then came the difficult task of leaving it to marinade for 1-5 hours. We lasted 1hr 18mins. Pitiful, but you don't know how good this 

marinade smelled! You can't judge us!

Ready for roasting. Here's a tip, maybe an obvious one, but for those who like a crispy skin on your chicken, when roasting, place the meat skin side down, so when you turn it mid-way through cooking, the skin isn't covered by cooking juices which make it go all soggy. Maybe that's obvious, maybe it isn't, either way, gives you a crispy skin.

Serve with awesomely awesome vegetables and sourcream.

Review: Knee slappingly good food, and not too unhealthy right? Minimal cooking fat, sizeable protein portion, vit C from the orange juice and lime juice, chilli pepper boosts your metabolism and fat-busting abilities while you're eating, and then urr, you know, has an aphrodisiac quality to it too, for later..you know. Ye-ah.

This chicken was such a hit, Alex didn't even add Nando's sauce. Oh no. And I went on to look through the book and found an alcoholic watermelon recipe. I LOVE WATERMELON. I LOVE ALCOHOL. I have found my summer eats. And when I hve a summer barbecue housewarming, I'm making both the wings and the watermelon thing and everyone will love me forever.

2. Winey Mushrooms.

We needed some sort of veggie goodness for a side plate, but unfortunately couldn't find a simple-ish one in the book leaving us with no other option other than to "wing it". So what do you do with a pepper, red onion, and 2 large mushrooms? 

Slice 'em, fry 'em with butter, salt and pepper and then decide to throw in your glass of wine.

Realise that mushrooms are terrible alcoholics and your half glass of wine is not enough, and you should just go ahead and pour from the bottle. Classy. Wish you'd doubled the mushroom content. Forget about it. Finish the wine. Remember you're cooking. Save the pan before you burn through it.

Find sourcream. Throw it on the side of your plate and throw out your healthy eating resolutions. You won't regret it. Or at least not until you break into your second-stone weight gain.

-Break (We were I was too full and tired to bake further)-

3. Strawberry and Polenta cupcakes.
Elisa, staunch Italian-cooking-principles defender almost kicked me for saying you could bake with polenta. She nearly disowned me for adding marmite to my spaghetti. She was disgusted with me for eating ridiculous amounts of pancetta in a given 24hour period. Here, I show her the versatility of polenta.
(What is Polenta? Polenta is a very finely ground cornmeal used for cooking in a variety of dishes. Akin to extremely fine and less disgusting form of semolina.)

This is my recipe, from my wee little cupcake cookbook (courtesy of BBC GoodFood).

 From this heathen mess, came these little tasty beauties...

Damn I make a lot of mess when cooking

 Whilst K.Wood was an awesome veggie chopper, the mixing of sugar, flour and butter was less successful. Things quickly descended into a sugar-flying, butter-flinging pandemonium. Order was restored with the traditional "Metal Spoon and Elbow Grease" method.

 How I love my coat silicone baking cups of many colours, they were red and yellow and green and blue and purple and pink and fuschia and orange...

So perfect

 

And then they did that. WHY do cupcakes go lopsided!? Luckily the book portrayed them a little shabby-chic, otherwise, I would not have been happy. No siree bob. Anyway, ever onwards.

 I don't/can't cook without tasting. Momma usually tries to slap the back of my hand when I aim for the Sunday roast etc, but I've gotten so fast she can see but a blur when I've started picking. Cheetah's ain't got a thang on me.

Mmmmm. You're feeling hungry now aren't you? I bet you are. I even made peanut butter cups with the mini baking cups I had. But there was no chance photos were being taken while I made them/before I ate them. That and like an idiot I spilled a litre of water and it went EVERYWHAR. So instead of taking photos I was attempting to tidy, make sweeties and dry out my camera. Curse you round-bottom bowls. Curse you.

In further cursing, my blackberry now dictates when it goes on and off, regardless of battery status. 11days till I join the iPhone army.

Go, find a recipe, follow it, disregard it, come up with something highly satisfying or get a pizza. Go.

Love xx