Tonight I Can Write...

Currently Listening To: If  You Had My Love (Jennifer Lopez, before she became J-Lo) // No Scrubs (TLC)

Currently Pondering: *Head nod* Those ladies had it right. And awesome outfits. IS THAT WELSH ON MY SPOTIFY??

Another long one folks! And a bit odd. I'm having an odd week, and I'm not quite sure what to think of it myself. But we have Neruda, and his poetry is awesome, so there's a plus at the very least.

Strange things are happening in the world lately...there's either something in the air or water, or perhaps there's a full moon (there isn't. And even if there was apparently lunar madness is a myth) but either way, something curious is happening. Odd things are happening, people are acting odd- even I'm feeling a little nuts. I'm getting really antsy, feeling a little out of place everywhere I go, I'm over-analysing nearly EVERYTHING that's being said to me, and I'm pretty sure my bitchier/more wreckless alter ego is trying to bust her way through. She typically only comes out when I'm a combination of drunk and pissed off, and leads me down the path of vodka shots (I frickin' hate vodka shots), drunken texting and lewd behaviour. Only now she's not so much drunk, just, pissy and looking for someone to pick on. The bitch.

Anyway, "stuff" has triggered me to go for a walk down memory lane, taking a left-turn onto "Past-Relationships Drive" and here I am sitting at the doorstep of the "International House of Fuck-Ups". I'm thinking: men are really screwy. I attract weird things and events. I'm not trying to say my entire love-life and persons therein have been terrible, but there are definitely some points I'd rather forget, or time-travel back to and undo. What is it they say? It only takes one negative thing to cancel out FOUR positive things? That's horrible. Yuck.

In my weekly stumblings however, I found this little gem:

"The best part of being in love is when you just love a person, and be happy about it. Even if that person can never be yours, even if you know it can't last forever. That's the true essence of love. It's not about winning someone, it's not about owning a relationship. It's just about being happy because you know you've loved someone. It's about being happy because you know you've loved someone."

-Source: Allenstar

This is probably the most succinct way of summing up my thoughts during a break-up. And I didn't even come up with it. Rats. Asides from thinking "oh you complete knob. You are such a knob" during a break-up, I do honestly try to think of all the things I've learned/learned never to do again in future relationships (so far the list is pretty long). I think the most resilient teaching was "how to put your defences up and keep them there", a message hammered home by seeing women in my family being messed around and then personal experience from relationships C and E. Maybe a little bit of G too. But it was somewhere between D and G that I figured there's no point in letting the horrible memories corrupt all the good ones. And sometimes it's ok to put your guard down. Now I think I've gotten the hang of looking at the bad, leaving it there, and going on to enjoy the good memories as if I'm living them all over again. C'mon, good first dates are still good first dates, and a good first kiss is still a good first kiss. 

Let's look at the beautiful words of Pablo Neruda now, the man knows how to write a good heartache:

Tonight I can write the saddest lines.

Write, for example, 'The night is starry and the stars are blue and shiver in the distance.'

The night wind revolves in the sky and sings.

Tonight I can write the saddest lines.
I loved her, and sometimes she loved me too.

Through nights like this one I held her in my arms.
I kissed her again and again under the endless sky.

She loved me, sometimes I loved her too.
How could one not have loved her great still eyes.

Tonight I can write the saddest lines.
To think that I do not have her. To feel that I have lost her.

To hear the immense night, still more immense without her.
And the verse falls to the soul like dew to the pasture.

What does it matter that my love could not keep her.
The night is starry and she is not with me.

This is all. In the distance someone is singing. In the distance.
My soul is not satisfied that it has lost her.

My sight tries to find her as though to bring her closer.
My heart looks for her, and she is not with me.

The same night whitening the same trees.
We, of that time, are no longer the same.

I no longer love her, that's certain, but how I loved her.
My voice tried to find the wind to touch her hearing.

Another's. She will be another's. As she was before my kisses.
Her voice, her bright body. Her infinite eyes.

I no longer love her, that's certain, but maybe I love her.
Love is so short, forgetting is so long.

Because through nights like this one I held her in my arms
my soul is not satisfied that it has lost her.

Though this be the last pain that she makes me suffer
and these the last verses that I write for her.

It's a killer to read if you're even the slightest bit not happy with some sort of relationship. Or breaking up with someone. Sorry for any anguish caused, I really should've put a foreword in there or something.

As I did with Wuthering Heights, I shall do here, I'm going to pick up on the really minute undertones, and proceed to love and adore them.
"Tonight I can write the saddest lines.
I loved her, and sometimes she loved me too."      This makes me think "500 Days of Summer". Haven't seen it? Sort that out. It makes me think about the times when you look at the other person and just begin to wonder "I'm not so sure anymore.." Either you've begun to notice the flaws you didn't before or you're feeling the tremors of impending doom. *Spoiler Alert* In the movie, you re-watch scenes which the boy saw as normal, enjoyable dates, but it's only when you get the slightest hint that the girl is getting "cold feet" and the same scenes look so different. It's so sad, but I think I can slightly sympathise with "No, this doesn't feel right, I see trouble on the horizon" and the best thing to do is to break than continue proverbially flogging the dead donkey. I was called a bitch (thanks, Alex) when I said I was happy the two of them ended up doing different things at the end of the movie. I'm sorry, but as lovely and Hollywood-friendly as it would've been, I appreciate just ONE love story where everything doesn't have to end up as planned- but is even better. My mother has always told me the problem with my exes is not the issues of "maturity" or "chronic dick-headedness" but its that we couldn't *handle* each other. Her theory is that you don't just move around each other, but you move each other. Like a Tango. Or a stream, flowing around and over big rocks, but picking up shells and sand. How calming, mother. She maintains that I should only marry a Chinese zodiac that can "tame a snake". Dig that innuendo. For clarity, I was born in the year of the snake and Mum's really supersticious. And she thinks I can be a bit too "willful" (read: domineering cow) Agreed. Anyway, that's what I think was the problem with the above relationship. The two obviously got on, but after the honeymoon period, she must have felt like the chemistry was replaced with convenience, and with no "good reason" like a fight or infidelity to break-up over, the relationship was just kind of plodding on. Then she tells him she wanted to shoot him in the head. Hahaha.

"Another's. She will be another's. As she was before my kisses.
Her voice, her bright body. Her infinite eyes."      My biggest relationship vice? I'm hugely jealous/ protective. But getting better at it, I've figured out how to just let things go, and now laugh when I would've sulked, pouted and gotten all irate. I have more fun when I'm not wasting time being annoyed and not changing anything. Sounds like this woman had really beautiful eyes though doesn't it? He keeps mentioning them...

I know that this poem conveys a huge sense of him having a really tough time getting over a past love, but I do see just the tiniest glimmer of hope in the last lines: "...my soul is not satisfied that it has lost her./ Though this be the last pain that she makes me suffer / and these the last verses that I write for her."
Almost sounds like he's saying he's ready to just leave things alone now, leaving them in this poem, and moving on from it. Closure. I like it. But then you might read something completely differently from all that. I'll just err on the side of optimism.

Damn I love Neruda.

So there you have it. This is what happens when the planets align just right, and I start thinking "Girls are from Venus, men are from...where the hell are you coming from!?"

For anyone feeling cynical about love,
be assured you could buy it with change from a fiver

Poor tumour-bear! I still don't have the heart to eat him,
he looks sad enough without knowing the end is nigh..

I'll be back to normal next week. I might even have a sparkly new phone to show off! Happy face.

Old Long Syne- James Watson (1711)

1.

Should Old Acquaintance be forgot,
and never thought upon;
The flames of Love extinguished,
and fully past and gone:
Is thy sweet Heart now grown so cold,
that loving Breast of thine;
That thou canst never once reflect
on Old long syne.

-Chorus-

On Old long syne my Jo,
in Old long syne,
That thou canst never once reflect,
in Old long syne.

2.

My Heart is ravisht with delight,
when thee I think upon;
All Grief and Sorrow takes the flight,
and speedily is gone;
The bright resemblance of thy Face,
so fills this, Heart of mine;
That Force nor Fate can me displease,
for Old long syne  

                               
-Chorus-

3.

Since thoughts of thee doth banish grief,
when from thee I am gone;   
will not thy presence yeild relief,      
to this sad Heart of mine:
Why doth thy presence me defeat,
with excellence divine?
Especially When I reflect
on old long syne

-Chorus-              

A quick round up on the words which have haunted me throughout this year,
where better to sum them all up?

"I'm a loser in love, so baby,                                                   

raise a glass to mend all the
broken hearts of all my wrecked up friends"

"Let me not to the marriage of true minds
Admit impediments. Love is not love
Which alters when it alteration finds,
Or bends with the remover to remove:
O no! it is an ever-fixed mark
That looks on tempests and is never shaken;
It is the star to every wandering bark,
Whose worth's unknown, although his height be taken.
Love's not Time's fool, though rosy lips and cheeks
Within his bending sickle's compass come:
Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks,
But bears it out even to the edge of doom.
   If this be error and upon me proved,
   I never writ, nor no man ever loved."

"You know sometimes baby I'm so carefree,                                              
with a joy that's hard to hide

Then sometimes again it seems that all I have is worry                      

and then you're bound to see my other side"

"Alors on danse"

 
"El octavo día Dios,                 ¿Quién se iba a imaginar
después de tanto trabajar,      que el mismo dios al regresar
para liberar tensiones,             iba a encontrario todo
luego ya de revisar,                 en un desorden infernal?
dijo: "todo está muy bien,       Y que se iba a convertir
es hora de descansar",           en un desempleado más
y se fue a dar un paseo           de la tasa que actualmente
por el espacio sideral.             está creciendo sin parar"

"Wish I had a mango tree

In my backyard
With you standin next to me
Take the picture
From her lips I heard her say
Can I have you
Call her up oh what to say
I said you do 

"Old habits die hard when you got, when you got a sentimental heart"

"Sugar man, won't you hurry?
'cause I'm tired of these scenes
for a blue coin won't you bring back
all those colours to my dreams?             
silver magic ships you carry...
jumpers cold, sweet Mary Jane

Sugar man, made a false friend

on a lonely dusty road.

Lost my heart when I found him

it had turned to dead black coal           

silver magic ships, you carry...

jumpers cold, sweet Mary Jane

Sugar man, you're the answer

that makes all my questions disappear
sugar man, cause I'm weary

of those awful games, I hear"

 

"I’ve been here since first period, I had a cold, I took all my antibiotics at the same time, now I forgot how to leave."

"There is only one page left to write on. I will fill it with words of only one syllable. I love. I have loved. I will love."

Have fun finding where these all come from!

Happy New Year everyone, I hope it's a good one xxx

"....Like my knob!"

Birthday Post!

Currently listening to: California King Bed (Rihanna) All I Want For Christmas (Mariah. again)
Currently pondering: Graduation, snow, paaaaiiin

This was never meant to be a Birthday post. I'd written something completely different, then remembered it's MY BIRTHDAY TOMORROW, and supposed I ought to commemorate the occasion. I can now say that my dad forgot how old I was turning, mum wasn’t sure when it was my birthday, and I just full on forgot it. Runs in the family, clearlyWhat better time to write something semi-philosophical and thought provoking- There is none! So, I'm stumped..

 <.<                           >.>                  >.<

No I'm not, of course I'm not. I'm not going to bore you with some soppy " this year has been so amazing..." post, I'm better than that. And it hasn't been all rosy and amazing, but a pendulum swing between extremes and back, and I won’t divulge the gory bits without a strong drink or a huge chip on my shoulder.What I am going to do is talk about 2 things from my childhood that are revived around this time of year every year, and why. The two most played video tapes I owned as a child were Peter Pan and Alice in Wonderland, and I was SO HAPPY when both of them were remade in the last few years- it’s like the world was woken up to their brilliance and the stories were growing up with me. 

I have now put on  the Peter Pan film... I LOVE THIS FILM, it’s so good, the kids are so cute, and I have a thing for the guy who plays Pan. Ahem. That doesn’t make me sound good...He just has this really cute impish charm! Can I clarify I dig the charm, not the 12 yr old boy? I’m moving on now before I cause any more damage. Eeesh.

My love for Peter Pan does run deeper than physical attraction and fairytales though, I liked the sense of adventure and childhood crushes. I took the notion of love very seriously as a child. Probably fuelled by Disney’s portrayal of it. Then I actually started dating and it was like "WHOOOOAA Nelly! This isn’t how it’s meant to be!" Plus the idea of growing up always has scared me...so every year I end up going through Peter Pan Syndrome! -as I call it. This is the phenomenon I usually experience this time of year, where I defy Father Time, ball my hands into little fists, and thrash around until he agrees not to let me age this year. He usually wins, he has a very forceful manner of debate.  But I don’t have it this year! I’m quite looking forward to turning 21, I have an array of celebrations to see me through (I love hosting, it makes me feel quite satisfied with my little self), and my first act as a 21 year old is gonna be a scream. But I’m keeping that a secret, don’t want to ruin the surprise after all!

Alice in Wonderland is one of those things that if you read with an open mind, the nonsense soon makes sense. Par example

The Hatter opened his eyes very wide on hearing this; but all he said was, "Why is a raven like a writing-desk?"
"Come, we shall have some fun now!" thought Alice. "I'm glad they've begun asking riddles. — I believe I can guess that," she added aloud.
"Do you mean that you think you can find out the answer to it?" said the March Hare.
"Exactly so," said Alice.
"Then you should say what you mean," the March Hare went on.
"I do," Alice hastily replied; "at least--at least I mean what I say--that's the same thing, you know."
"Not the same thing a bit!" said the Hatter. "You might just as well say that 'I see what I eat' is the same thing as 'I eat what I see'!"
"You might just as well say," added the March Hare, "that 'I like what I get' is the same thing as 'I get what I like'!"
"You might just as well say," added the Dormouse, who seemed to be talking in his sleep, "that 'I breathe when I sleep' is the same thing as 'I sleep when I breathe'!"

Be sure to say what you mean and mean what you say! These are indeed two totally different concepts no matter how similar they may sound. I read the book again over the summer, and I think it's one of those books that releases a little bit of philosophy with every reading. This time I picked up on the above quotation and liked it very much. I said it last week, I'll say it again, I'll say it forever more: Be straight with me! I have no time to be messed about with, especially if there's no good reason. And I found it's the only way to keep friendships going. Alice usually makes an appearance about this time of year when I want to check that I still find the world around me interesting and full of wonder (yeh I went there) and as far as I can see, it is!

I took this picture of the moon a few nights ago, it looked absolutely huge! B-E-A-ootiful!

This was taken last year, and it reminds me of that bit in alice when she's been shrunk and is walking amongst the flowers!

Sophie as my own personal Alice, just before she joins the Caucus race

Now, I'll get back to some real work before I spend my night having a pint and playing pool, I intend to have a big cocktail in my hand as the clock strikes 12!
Lovelove xxx (and apologies for a sub-standard post, the next will be an audio-deeelight)

Keep your Darcy, Im holding out for a Heathcliff.

Prepare for a long one folks!

Currently Listening to: Home (Edward Sharpe and The Magnetic Zeros) & Hero (Mariah Carey) Yeh I'm mixing genres! What of it?!
Currently Pondering: Bleh, too much milk. And why haven't I heard "Home" sooner!? It's a firm favourite.

We sat on the sofa, snuggled under Elisa’s duvet, ate the remnants of her Birthday cake, and indulged our Christmas and spinster spirit simultaneously by watching Bridget Jones’ Diary. Colin Firth as the ever-delectable Mr Darcy, and Hugh Grant (omgomg, he WINKED at me this year at the Open, yeh, HUGH GRANT noticed me on the way back from the loo and acknowledged my existence!) in his usual businessy-playboy type role. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. Anyway, BJD is meant to be a modern spin of Pride and Prejudice if I’m right? It was made with that in mind correct? I get its also meant to be a collection of journalistic columns by Helen..thingamybob. It doesn’t really matter, its just my tenuous bridge from one classic love story to another, and lo! I shall spring into my main argument.

Mr Darcy, as lovely as you are, and in spite of the flocks of women looking for a modern Darcy of their own, like our dear Bridget, I myself, am looking for a Heathcliff.
-Yeh you heard right, I’m a Wuthering Heights fan. Cathy + Heathcliff 4eva. Hang on now, no don’t go leaving, just sit tight and I’ll try and show you why if you haven’t already read this book, you need to.

It applies to real life! It does! I’ve seen the scenario SO many times that: Boy meets girl, boy falls in love with girl, boy finds another boy after girl, girl sits there thinking “oh...crrap.” Now, if girl is to make any sort of choice between the two, it seems only logical she’ll chose the man who can show her that she won’t be happier with anyone but him, correct? Unless she has some masochistic tendency or a materialistic definition of happy, of course. In any situation, disappearing off the face of the earth, making a girl feel like an idiot while she’s harbouring affection for you or cavorting with other girls will NOT secure the lady’s hand, Darcy. Again, unless she has slight masochistic tendencies. I’ve seen and heard about this situation from friends male and female, experienced it for myself, and can determine it is not fun for any of the parties involved. I have total sympathy for anyone caught in this situation, but ultimately, don’t get more stressed about it than needs be. The course of true love never runs smooth, but that doesn’t mean it needs to be like treading a minefield. If it gets too much for you to handle before you get into a relationship with someone, what would an actual relationship with them be like them? I found comfort in pages 54-59.

“My great miseries in this world have been Heathcliff's miseries, and I watched and felt each from the beginning: my great thought in living is himself. If all else perished, and he remained, I should still continue to be; and if all else remained, and he were annihilated, the universe would turn to a mighty stranger: I should not seem a part of it.—My love for Linton is like the foliage in the woods: time will change it, I'm well aware, as winter changes the trees. My love for Heathcliff resembles the eternal rocks beneath: a source of little visible delight, but necessary. Nelly, I am Heathcliff! He's always, always in my mind: not as a pleasure, any more than I am always a pleasure to myself, but as my own being.”

I’m having trouble wording my second reason for loving this book. Basically, the love that Cathy and Heathcliff have for each other isn’t perfect and functionable, but it’s so fierce, and so passionate, that it does work. In a non-working way. *Spoiler warning* They never marry, but it still seems like they are magnetised to each other, and despite them trying to fight it, desperately trying to guard themselves from giving in to each other, it seems inevitable they will eventually end up together. Come hell and high water. Almost. I appreciate fairy-tale depictions of love and romance, They make me go all gooey and warm, but in practicality, I find more reassurance in the idea that no matter what might happen, I’ll have a love that can’t be waivered. Not so that I then have permission to mess around and act like a jerk, and I’m not talking about soulmates, but I’m trying to get to the idea that you can find in someone something that ignites this intense feeling in you, that can’t be dampened down. I think that’s nice. I might be too idealistic, but I don’t think that beyond the reach of most people. Maybe.

Before I lose your attention, I need to use my favourite part of the book, please? Ok! Cathy has married another man, for really terrible reasons, has become sick with all the grief she’s caused herself and by Heathcliff’s disappearance and reappearance in her life, and now she’s on her deathbed, with Heathcliff come to visit her:

'You teach me now how cruel you've been—cruel and false. Why did you despise me? Why did you betray your own heart, Cathy? I have not one word of comfort. You deserve this. You have killed yourself. Yes, you may kiss me, and cry; and wring out my kisses and tears: they'll blight you—they'll damn you. You loved me—then what right you, of your own will, did it. I have not broken your heart—you have broken it; and in breaking it, you have broken mine. So much the worse for me that I am strong. Do I want to live? What kind of living will it be when you—oh, God! would you like to live with your soul in the grave?'

'Let me alone. Let me alone,' sobbed Catherine. 'If I’ve done wrong, I'm dying for it. It is enough! You left me too: but I won't upbraid you! I forgive you. Forgive me!'

'It is hard to forgive, and to look at those eyes, and feel those wasted hands,' he answered. 'Kiss me again; and don’t let me see your eyes! I forgive what you have done to me. I love my murderer—but yours! How can I?' 

Do I need to explain why I love this part or can I just stew in a feeling of “*ooof* that’s emotive”? I have a thing about being as honest and accurate about stuff as I can, I’ve found it’s the only way to speak to guys without things “getting complicated”, and my friends get a kick out of my “bluntness” from time to time. So here we have a man telling his girl exactly how he feels about her, with no reservations, and he kicks her butt a little. Bitches be crazy, and I know I’m better for having someone tell me when I’m being out of line from time to time. At this point in the book, I have fallen in love with Heathcliff. Minus the twisted parenting skills.

I’ll finish with responding to the argument of “How can you like any of the characters in this book?! They’re all evil!”  “-ARE NOT!” Look, look right here ok? Cathy has died and Heathcliff is spiralling into some intense mourning period here: 

'May she wake in torment!' he cried, with frightful vehemence, stamping his foot, and groaning in a sudden paroxysm of ungovernable passion. 'Why, she's a liar to the end! Where is she? Not there—not in heaven—not perished—where? Oh! you said you cared nothing for my sufferings! And I pray one prayer—I repeat it till my tongue stiffens—Catherine Earnshaw, may you not rest as long as I am living; you said I killed you—haunt me, then! The murdered do haunt their murderers, I believe. I know that ghosts have wandered on earth. Be with me always—take any form—drive me mad! only do not leave me in this abyss, where I cannot find you! Oh, God! it is unutterable! I cannot live without my life! I cannot live without my soul!'

Ok, he’s coming off a little harsh by wishing her anything but restful peace, but look underneath that. He is so afraid of a life without Cathy in it in any way, he is on his knees pleading that her spirit finds a way to wait for him on earth until he too passes, then they might both be reunited and move on together. I like the little glimpses of his vulnerability you see from time to time, I don’t need a guy being a total wimp all the time (I am viciously irked by men who need to man up), but this is an acceptable occasion.  The love of his life just died after all. 

Phew, that was a long post. Maybe not a very good one, but maybe someone is now a little curious to read Wuthering Heights? Someone other than myself. I’ll be re-reading my little dog eared version if I ever finish my work. 

Yaay for non-typical romance!!

Elisa's Birthday Cake.

My battered copy of WH, broken spine, notes within, some would have a fit.